LDR not LDS...

Long Distance Relationship.  With the technology available to us at any given time, not the least of which is online dating, a long distance relationship is more prevalent these days than ever before.  A surfer dude in California can meet and talk to a lovely cheesehead from Wisconsin.  They email each other and move on to calling on the phone and even video visit with each other through Skype of Face Time or whatever works.  It's entirely plausible and possible.  Maybe you can arrange to meet in person.  After meeting in person, you decide you have something and want to pursue it.  Never mind the 1500 miles between you and the cost of airfare.  You visit each other and things go really well.  You decide to see each other again, maybe at Christmas or during one or the other's extended break from work or vacation.  Your time together is magic.  You fall in love, you make promises.  You think your relationship is strong.  You communicate everyday.  You do fun activities together while apart, like maybe watch a football game on tv, she in Wisconsin, you in California, all the while texting each other with commentary during the game.  It's fun and keeps you connected.

That is the important part: staying connected.  Every day.  Several times a day, if possible.  Once you stop staying in regular contact, say goodbye.  It won't work.  Many people swear by LDR's and say it makes them love their partner even more.  I don't know how that works.  Humans are social animals in need of contact, touch, feeling each other.  Good intentions and favorable accolades to each other over Skype or the phone don't hold up as well as being able to touch your partner.  The months, the miles between visits can seem like forever.  It might as well be forever.

Many couples are forced into LDR's by circumstance, say one has to move for a new job. The other partner is expected to join them.  When?  It is important to set up a time frame.  That closes the distance and makes the waiting tolerable.  There is a plan.  I think this works if the couple is married with that "'till death do us part" bit.  More of a commitment.  Many military couples are thrown into this situation.  A year and a half may pass without physical contact.  A strong determination to stay together is needed as well as a plan on how often contact is made.  In my book, contact should be made as often as possible.  As mentioned, staying connected is the only way it will work.

Talk about your future together.  Even if it's bullshit.  It helps keep the relationship positive and full of hope.  These are two other essential factors in LDR's.  Make plans for the time you can be together.  Tell each other what you will do to them/with them when you get together. Talk dirty to each other.  Whatever you can do to keep it alive.  Take my word, if you don't nurture your LDR, it will wither, the leaves will fall off, and it will die.  What could have been a very good thing will become a very dead thing.  Emptiness and loneliness will ensue.

Skype everyday.  If you are both serious about making it work, you have to see each other even if you can't touch each other.  It's important and, I think, the best way to stay connected.  Naked Skype!

In my opinion, LDR's are the hardest relationships to make work.  Or maybe it's just me.

Long Distance Relationship Statistics infographic

I have been in a few LDR's.  The last one was with a person I met online.  She lived 1300 miles away.  There were problems from the start.  Trust was a huge issue.  I had misrepresented myself online as being divorced while still legally married.  Even though I hadn't lived with my ex in two years, what I wrote in my profile and what was reality were not on par.  I did not want to deceive anyone and was asked how long I had been divorced.  It never occurred to me to lie.  "Oh, two years," would have been an answer somebody might give but, I didn't even think of it.  I explained I was still married but only technically.  I know myself and my friends who know me would understand.  I had to stay married long enough for a house refinance to go through.  No way the bank would let me refinance the house on my salary.  I had to stay married almost a year longer than planned.  That's just the way the refinance turned out.  I understand how someone who has only spoken to me on the phone would be upset about being misled. We worked through that piece of the puzzle and another trust issue that came after that.  I was invited for Christmas and drove down to be with her.  It was wonderful and we fell in love.  Too soon, I had to leave.  The romance picked up after that with texting and Skyping all over the place.  I sent her flowers, she sent me chocolate covered potato chips and a book of love poems.  It was wonderful.  We stayed connected, very happy to hear each other's voice at the other end of the phone line.  We started to make plans. Of course there were problems inherent in the relationship as there are in any LDR's.  Although we met online, she was looking forward to imminent retirement.  As far as I could tell, she had no plans other than to spend two months in Mexico.  We both agreed it would be tough but made plans to talk, text, and Skype each other.  We were happy in the relationship until she left for Mexico.  The relationship changed drastically.  I heard very little from her.  Gone were the affirmations of love, the hope of being together soon, the planning, the connection.  I have written asking for an explanation or at least a decision one way or the other as to whether we are a couple or not.  We did affirm monogamy to each other.  That was before she left.  I am still and will remain monogamous until I have reason not to be.  I have no idea if that is still ok with her.  We didn't stay connected.  As you can see from the statistics listed above, if an LDR is going to go down in flames, it usually happens four to five months into the relationship.  Guess how long we were into our relationship?  Yup, four or five months.  Also, the average distance LDR's lived from each other is listed at 125 miles.  To me, that's nothing, a two hour drive.  It's a weekend together very often. How much work do you put into an LDR?  As much as you want or need to.  Remember, it takes two to Tango.  If it seems like you are doing all the heavy lifting, maybe you are.  If you been to see your love and they haven't even mentioned coming to see you, there is a problem.  Even if there is equity in effort, decisions have to be made.  Who is going to move?  Someone has to if the relationship is to progress.  This is where I am old fashioned, I guess.  I like to be in close physical proximity to my partner.  Away time to visit friends, relatives, or just to go off with friends is all part of it.  The knowledge that your partner will be back home, that your partner lives with you or very close to you, is important.  Not knowing when you can see each other again produces a lonely anxiety that can make matters bad.  Not being able to connect is the worst feeling.  Yes, I'm still in love.  Once your heart goes there, it doesn't want to come back.  Not being connected hurts every day.  She did write once to tell me her feelings for me hadn't changed but she couldn't give what I wanted and understood if I needed to move on.  I don't need to "move on."  I need to move forward.  I"m not getting younger.

That isn't the first LDR I've been in.  When I was a young buck, traveling around the West playing in bands, I had girlfriends back home.  As I got older, I was prone to stay involved for longer and longer periods of time.  One of the last few times I was on the road, I had a beautiful, college educated blond girlfriend from the San Francisco area.  We met in a small college town in NE Oregon.  While I was travelling across Canada and Montana and Wyoming, I would call everyday.  International calls are very expensive.  This was back in the day of land lines and long distance charges.  I'm not very good at doing lonely and met another woman in Wyoming who happened to be from Minnesota.  She had split from her husband and after meeting me and dating me for three weeks, decided to go back home to Minnesota.  So, now I was making a lot more long distance phone calls, still calling the girlfriend from SF and calling the girl from Minnesota.  The girl from Minnesota was planning on coming back to Oregon with me.  I was too drunk to maintain a responsible relationship and she had two kids that looked like they could use a new set of parents.  Too many miles between us and then the connection died. I went back to Oregon about the time the girlfriend from SF came back to college.  I told her all about my time with Miss Minnesota.  She was pissed mightily for a while but understood that I didn't handle lonely well and she was gone and Miss Minnesota was there.  I think in the end, she was glad that Miss Minnesota kept me occupied. The girlfriend from SF graduated and left town.  I put her on a train to Boise.  I think she finally got married and lives in Utah now. With today's instant access technology, the world is becoming smaller and smaller with each passing day.  It is feasible to woo and be wooed online, anywhere in the world.  Although just a friendly exchange, I have communicated with a woman from China. She is a pharmacist, both of Chinese and Western medicine and manages the pharmacy she works at.  How else would I ever in my life find out about this person if not online.  LDR's present many surmountable problems if both parties are willing to put in the time.  I guess you have to ask yourself, "Is it worth it?"  LDR's are filled with loneliness, longing, and long periods apart.  You must stay busy while waiting.  I am no good at waiting although I am getting much better.  The decision is whether the waiting is worthwhile or is it just a matter of four or five months before it blows up.  You'll never know unless you go for it.  If it feels good, feels alright, what have you got to lose?  Your heartstrings?  Shit, I've lost those so many times, I can't count them anymore.  Or remember most of them.  None of them had a plan.  We were just together until we weren't.  At my age now, though, I'm still looking for that something special, that spark of life.  I know who I am, what I desire, where I want to end up.  I'm going for it, even if it is another LDR.  I'll be better prepared this time.

Here's some good advice.