Oh! Now I Get it...

I was a road warrior.  I travelled light; two duffel bags of clothes and a drumset with cases.  It was all I needed.  That and a place to play and a band to play in.  I was ready to go at a moment's notice.  Really, I'm too old for that now.  But I have realized something about it and how it exemplified who I was and who I still am.

I made a promise, vow, whatever, to myself when I first told myself that I was going to be a paid drummer, for hire to any band.  I would not get romantically involved seriously with a female.  Males either.  I didn't want anything to hinder my stairway to fame and fortune.  I figured there would be plenty of time for that nce the money started rolling in and our recordings were selling and we didn't have to be on the road all the time.

Ha ha...of course, unless your are stupidly lucky, getting to that point takes hard work and focus, two atributes I was trying to avoid.  I was supposed to have fun, meet really interesting people and live my life as if I were to die the next day.  Looking back, I was really lucky to keep waking up everyday.  In fact, I probably slept through a day or two...

I was successful in keeping my promise to myself.  I waited until I was 34 to marry the first time.  Problem is, the relationship was about me.  No, the relationship was about us in spite of me.  I was still doing my thing.  I was going to school.  sure, I would get a job and support a family but I decided to go to school and nobody had anything to say about it.

I realized the other night that I am still the same way.  I drug a second family along with me as I pursued my creative genius in either clay or drumming.  I bought equipment, instruments, stuff at the expense of my family. It was all for me.

Even today, I think about what I want to do, not what others want to do.  You pay a price for this drive, this creativity that won't leave you alone.  You end up being alone.  That's too much of a price for me to pay at this juncture in my life.  There is much more to do before...

The change is coming.  I can feel it.  It is slow and steady but the hoofbeats are unmistakable.