Ahhhh...

This is a storm that was coming over Mission Ridge the other day.  It looked as if we were in for snow but, as usually happens, the storm circled the valley and went on its way to somewhere else.  Too bad.  We could use the moisture.

Crocus Are Popping Up

This day is off to its beginning.  The sun is out, the wind is blowing 5-10mph from the northwest, bending the green yellow bamboo to the southeast.  I sat for a bit on the front deck with my tea in my self made tea bowl.  I'll be moving to coffee as soon as the machine fills the pot.  Sitting on the deck with my eyes closed and face toward the sun, I let the warmth caress my face and warm my clothes.  Like I'm St. Francis of Assisi, the animals gather around me and lay in the sun.  They peer at me expectantly but I have nothing to offer except the occasional petting of whichever animal is closest.  If they aren't within reach I make no effort to extend my hand.  This is the moment of peace, when life is what it is and acceptance, forgiveness, and love fill my soul.  Ah, I hear the beeping of the coffee machine. Time for coffee.  Hang onto your hat.

My lovely daughter came over to visit Monday evening.  She and I share just about the same temperament although I'm probably a bit more aggressive than she.  She is like her mother in that she does not like confrontation of any sort.  But, the rest of it is me.  We have the same sense of humor and shake our heads at certain human frailties and are in awe of certain human strengths.  We talked about love and long distance relationships, something we both know about.  She fell in love with a high school exchange student.  Both knew it was star-crossed but took it as far as it would go and then let go.  She still thinks about him, probably still loves him.  We always laugh at the same things.  She is lonely but, like me, I think it might be a self-induced loneliness.  There are plenty of people to hang with but something about it is missing, so we don't bother.  We like to celebrate moments.  Each moment, special moments, moments with people we love.  Each other.  Nobody.  Although I'm her father with many years of experience behind, she still has a sensitivity of someone quite beyond her years.  She knows of things without actually experiencing them.  Wondrous.

We visited.  I let her take all my "The Midnight Special with Wolfman Jack" dvd's with her.  Like me, she is totally into music and especially the late 70's and 80's.  My other daughter is the one who gives me today's music.  This daughter digs the music she grew up listening to.  She also grooves to new music and attends concerts whenever she can find the time.  I remember when Owl City was big and she went to a concert at Neumo's in Seattle.  Holy cow, was she excited.  I went to a Dandy Warhol's concert at the same venue.  It is a huge room with a balcony where the seating is located and then the dance floor with no tables, only a bar and a stage.

She is unsure of what she wants to do.  She feels pressure from her self and from others to do SOMETHING!  I went the other route with her.  I encouraged her to take it slow and not do things because they are expected.  Too much pressure is put upon people to "choose" a path.  It is not necessary.  Maybe the path should find you.  Still, she doesn't know what she wants to do although she is excited to go see her sister in Italy this summer.  Even that seems to be anticlimactic for her.  I think her attitude is, yeah, it's great to be able to go to Italy but then what?  Like me, she is looking for avocation, adventure, someone to care for and love, companionship.  It seems we both may be too particular for this level of life.  To her advantage, she is young and can fully expect to see her desires become manifest. I am very glad to have a relative, a daughter, like her.  She chews a lot of gum.

The Old Boy

Then there is me, the twice divorced father, who tried online dating, and succeeded, who is remodeling his house but wants to do something else, who hates being alone at night, who is alone at night, who's roommates are a dog and a cat.  Both the dog and the cat seem to adore me.  The two of them are like toddlers.  The cat wants in and out constantly.  Consequently, she is out for the most part.  The dog just wants to chase something.  Doesn't matter what.  You throw it, he'll retrieve it.

I live with these creatures and end up talking to them quite a bit.  It's very different than how I talk to people.  With animals, they may understand a word or three.  There is a Border Collie named Lucy, who graced the cover of National Geographic one month, who has a vocabulary of 300 words.  The researchers put over three hundred objects in a room and then called each object by name and Lucy would go to the named object and retrieve it.  My Border Collie has a vocabulary, too.  Most of them are one word commands.  Talking to the animals I get to use my baby talk voice or my cartoon character voice.  I think they understand the tone more than the words.

Panorama of the Property Taken With iPhone 5

Here I sit, no one home to talk to but for myself, the cat, and the dog.  Yes, selfish it seems, and probably selfish it is but who among us does not look out for themselves first?  This house I live in and am paying for and which will never be paid for because if I stay here I will probably die before the mortgage gets paid off, could use some activity.  That means deep cleaning is due.  A party?  I know enough ne'er do-wells who would show up.  It could be fun.  Most of my conversations these days are with 18-21 year olds.  They can be fun, too.

My feeling is that most of us want or need to have a life with meaning.  Otherwise, what's the use?  The working for 25 years in one job, the mortgage, the bills, the relationships that come and go, the accidents, the deaths, the love that passes, why?  I can't say.  I lean toward the Buddhist philosophy of being in the moment.  Just because we can imagine a future doesn't mean there is one.  We remember the past but in the here and now can only serve as a guidepost.  What is, is.  What isn't, well, that's self explanatory.  Love is given away with no expectation of return.  Not sure, but I think that's one of the factors as to whether love exists in a person.  Yes, love yourself first, always.  If you don't, no matter how long you live with somebody or how many nights you spend making love, it isn't what you think it is.  To love someone else, you must truly love yourself.  Indulge yourself for the sake of yourself but not to the point where you are within yourself and unable to see anything but yourself.  Danger, Will Robinson.

Right now I am wearing my lucky blue slippers.  They are magic, fit my feet like skin, and are rugged enough to take a daring trip to the mailbox.  Soon, though, I'll exchange them for my running shoes and take a trip with the dog to the loop trail on the Mighty Columbia River.  Used to be mighty.  Now it's dammed at about every 50 miles and produces the cheapest electricity available in the world.  It will be good.  I will take the camera and my phone will serve as a video camera.  It is windy at the house and likely windier at the river. Fine.  I'm going out to grab some life.