My daughter turned 21 today. She has been living with her aunt, uncle, grandmother, and cousin. She works in a library and attends community college. She will be returning to her mother's house soon, in March, I hear. I fear she feels as if she can't make her way in the world. When I was her age, I had been gone from home for three years. It was my intent to get out and keep moving. I don't think I thought too much about making my way. I was living one second at a time. I worked in a crab cannery with people who's names I can still remember: Obie, Tim Berg, Seth Thiessen, Tom Thiessen, their absolutely drop dead gorgeous sister Patty, Danny...and more. Abby has friends but still there is an energy in her that burns without form. She is creative, quick-witted and everyone loves her. I love her. I think having access to my personal support will help but I dare not force anything upon her. Pressure is poison to her. She is like me. I'm not religious and I think she is only due to peer pressure among her family. She does not like to disappoint her mother. She can never disappoint me. A few months after I was ignominiously moved from the house to the apartment, the house was empty. No one was home and wouldn't be for a while. I had a key. In a moment of madness or despair, either works, I wanted to smell the house, to be in it and smell the old house aroma that used to pummel my nostrils when I returned from work each evening. I happened into the room my ex-wife had chosen to sleep in. On the headboard was a card with drawing on I recognized as Abby's. The card had on the cover a drawing of a woman in a cape. The card said "Congratulations Super Mom!" I opened it. On the inside was the same woman with the cape. This time she was standing over a man who was lying on the ground, evidently stomped by the woman in the cape. The caption read, "Congratulations for beating the bad man." I obviously took the defeated man to be me. I was stunned.
Still, I understand Abby and what she was trying to do for her mother. The sting of betrayal hung onto me for too long. I knew for certain I was alone. I turned another corner that day and continued my slow walk away from the detritus of many years. Sometimes things click slowly for me but once clicked, it is crystal clear. Time to move on.
So, what about my daughter? She will be fine. It took me a while to discover my wings and use them to fly. I had to move around, town to town, so to speak. I feel she will, too. If she is like me, she can't stay in one place too long without a heavy anchor. Mine was marriage and a job for 20 years. At the time it was a good enough reason. Both my parents were alive and living in town. I thought it important my children have access to their grandparents. My dad would gladly watch his two beautiful granddaughters and when I came to pick them up he would always say, "I hope you don't mind but I let them eat cookies and chocolate ice cream. It's a grandfather's prerogative." Yes, they were wired.
That era has ended and a new, grander era has begun. This, the last era of my life, will be filled with wonder and love, completeness and caring, giving and sharing, laughing and crying. I won't be alone. I am not tied to this place I now call home. Yes, the albatross of a house hangs about my neck and the bills accrued from too many accidents are being paid but the duty of living in Wenatchee for the rest of my life has been shaken. I traded emails with one of the bigwigs in the administration the other day. We are friends and coworkers. We have shared a friendship of openness and philosophy. He runs the tech side of things. I was on the phone to him one day as we were trying to figure out a bug on my computer. Whenever you troubleshoot computers, there is always lag time. Usually there isn't much conversation but during one of the silent moments he asked me if I believed in God. Whoa! I was afraid to answer. That is the relationship we have. He knows about my personal situation. During our email exchange over getting an authorization code for an application on my computer, he asked if the dust had settled in my life. I told him when the divorce was final and that I had met someone. Small world, he replied. It turns out his high school sweetheart was from the same city as my sweetheart. Sadly, according to him, she had committed suicide. The point is he is ready to move on. We are both retiring at the same time. Computer geek that he is, he has set up a calendar to count down the days. Then he says he is selling his house and living in an RV.
That's what I mean about a grander era beginning. Anything can happen and is possible. I look forward to the days ahead and hope they turn into years and even decades. It could happen and I will be spending them with an intelligent, warm hearted, luscious being that feels the same about me. It is about goddam time.
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