Tinnitus is mostly described as a ringing in the ears. It is most often caused by constant exposure to loud noises and is most prevalent in the industrial world. The loud sound is actually a frequency wave, or several of them at once, that mows down the stereocelia in your ears. Kind of like clear cutting the forest. If you had enough amplification, you could log with sound.
Ok, that's lame. I have tinnitus. It can best be described as two or three high frequencies going all the time, with extremely slow modulation. All the time. 24/7. Sometimes I don't notice but if I stop to listen, I can hear it. It makes it difficult to hear a conversation at times. At one time, I could read lips and understand as long as I could hear the tonal quality of the voice. It made me good at reading body language, too.
My particular form tinnitus is the result of listening to loud music, mostly through headphones, and playing loud music as a drummer. Certain medications exacerbate the condition but it has been with me so long, I hardly notice the extra frequency. That was an attempt at levity, there.
Slip, slip, slippin' into that dreamscape of sun on my face and water on my back. Water, a trip to a body of water. I did not make it to the river today although there was plenty of time. I didn't think of it until just now. The dog is moving slow today. I might have worked him too hard. Now I'm floating in the sand, swimming back out to sea, waves pushing against me but I am Bert Lancaster without Deborah Kerr leaving a trail in the sand as I crawl on my elbows to meet the waves. I had a deep crush on Deborah Kerr when I was a kid. I don't know how old I was, possibly twelve. I saw her in a movie with Cary Grant and was smashed in the heart by her classic lines and porcelain beauty. I was smitten for at least two years.
My inner peace became manifest the first time when I was a wee lad of 18 or 19 years. Nothing was holding me down when I received a "job" offer from a band that was located out of town and I skedaddled. I eventually wound up in Seattle. I answered an ad in one of the two Seattle newspapers for a roommate. Ended up living with two of the most esoteric people I have had the privilege of knowing. They were gay and showed me a culture that this little apple knocking kid from this town would never otherwise have experienced. They threw parties with the most beautiful women in town. The women felt very safe with them. Me? I was a fly on the wall. I watched bugged-eyed. Voices mixed, smells mixed, laughter, existence all happening and I was there watching and being a part. I was the curiosity.
The owner of the house and I took a midnight trip to the Seattle Memorial Cemetery. The house was next door but across the street to the boneyard. He had a place of entrance he called "the hole in the wall." It was a place where you could pull back the wire fence and crawl under. Nobody ever put a move on me in that house and I trusted the owner. At that age I don't know if I would recognize a pass. He and I stood at the top of the hill. I went over and sat on somebody's giant tomb and watched the sun come over The Olympic Mountains and I swear I heard a choir of male and female angels emanating an E maj chord. It was a perfect moment. It has stayed with me to this day. Even more so now as I realize I have incorporated that moment into the fabric of my daily life.
To this day, my life continues to experience "eternal" moments, where time stands still and I can take a look around with that half smile that graces my face and think, "This is ok." Everything fits. The many make the one. Even now, as I sit typing, I am smiling. Not grinning. Not laughing. Smiling. Sometimes I feel this life to be one continuous moment. Lately, say for the last few months, as I am lying in bed trying to convince myself to sleep, I think of something that makes me laugh out loud. Then I even more can't get to sleep. And I laugh again. Just some random, idiotic thing that happened either during the day or the previous day. It will pop into my head and I laugh spontaneously. A mild burst, I suppose. Then I think it's funny that I thought whatever was funny and laugh again. Eventually, I sleep.
I am not grasping. I am not trying to over reach myself. I accept what I am and am very content to be who I am. I'm usually pretty good at keeping myself entertained. I'm not looking to be rich. Money is fine but it has to be from me. Be it through music, art, or teaching, I have to do it. I am good at what I do. If I wasn't, I would be too embarrassed to do it, I think. That's it, though. I have the confidence of being on stage. Certainly Shakespeare had it right when he said that all the world is a stage. We are the itinerant actors upon this space at this time busy being what we are. And what are we?
Are we the sum of our experience? Are we able to shed some experience in favor of more wearable experience? Like dirty clothes for clean?
I haven't thought of it much but I AM divorced now. It still amazes me how quickly I slipped back into being me and how comfortable I am with that. Soon, summer. Peak season. Reason to roam. Summer nights are my absolute favorite. This summer will be interesting and most assuredly fun. I hope to hell I have this house done by then. Sure, I will, if I want to have summer.
Everyday is a winding road. My daughter sent a message to me on Facebook tonight with the Cheryl Crow song and video attached. She told me that it was the song of her childhood. When the daughters were much younger, I made a home video of them with this song as the background. No narrative, just music and kids. I've got to find that. Everyday is a winding road. Take a walk, see where it takes you. Leave your mind behind. Let intuition and your heart lead you. Hang on if you have to, let go if you want to. Don't over analyze. It's all as good as it gets at any time.
I'd also like to thank the angel or angels who have been watching over me these last few years. I almost believe in you. That was an attempt at ironic humor. Did it work? I used to tell people that I'm a pantheistic agnostic: God is everywhere. So what? Funny? I think so. You have to be smart to get it. Or not. Maybe I just have to explain it every time I tell it.
Thanks for this day. It has been good. I laughed and made people laugh. People I don't know smiled and said hi to me. That's always a good sign that I'm on my game. I'm me. Cool.
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