No Access

This is going out cold.  I have no access to this blog at work so posting from work is impossible, if not a blessing.  Imagine if I could blog from work.  What would get done?  Even so, I won't be publishing until I return home.  Yes, I am blogging at work.  I pulled up the blog at home, started a page, then closed the lid and brought it to work.

I don't know what will happen with this episode.  I am physically shaking like a leaf.  At first I thought I was cold.  I was.  Once I got inside, though, I kept shaking.  Withdrawals?  From what?  Most of the meds I had been taking I'm done with.  Oh!  Wait!  I remember...I ordered some medicinal herbs online and took some before work.  Yohimbe, L-Argentine, and one other.  They are meant to help with prostate problems and sexual health.  Except for the shakes, which are slowly receding, it's goood...I'm walking with wood.  It works.  In a couple of months, I'll be able to find out how well.  In the meantime, well, in the meantime...I'll stay busy.

The loved one is away and won't be back for two months.  It was a deal in the making before we met so has to be fulfilled so as to not lose a huge sum of dinero.  Still, for me, as anxious and fraught as I can get, I am having difficulty not having daily contact.  I was told to expect this but it is still very difficult to me.  I'll be ok and I will be monogamous.  It's much better that way.  I am in love and love makes fools of us all.  Not this time.  I'd be a certified fool to fuck this up.

I am overwhelmed.  Along with it comes the anxiety of thinking too far ahead.  I see in my mind's eye what all needs to be done.  What I don't see is the compartmentalizing of it, putting it into controllable pieces, and then completing it.  The most perplexing part is starting one project only to have it turn into another, much larger and more demanding project.

For example, I was to paint the walls in the house.  I had completed most of one room, put the lid back on the gallon of paint, and went away.  When I came back, what was left in the gallon was in a puddle spaning two carpets; the once white carpet in the bedroom onto the carpet in the hallway.  What to do, what to do?  Tear up the carpet.  That wasn't on the list.  See? I tear up the carpet.  Eureka!  There are oak floors underneath everything!  The whole frikkin' house!  Even the kitchen floor, which was wood laminate, had oak underneath it.

The painting job has turned into a small remodel.  It includes sanding the wood, then putting Varathane down.  As an aside, a few years ago, I decided that I was going to make guitars.  I ordered parts off of ebay.  I got a couple of guitars working but the bulk of the work was spent sanding and finishing the guitar bodies.  I have finally figured out why I did that.  It was training for doing the floors.  It's the same thing; sand, vacuum, run the tack cloth across it, put down the varathane.  Easy, right?  Laborious, right?  YES!  A labor of love.

I discovered sawdust on every flat surface in the tv room.  Well, why not?  I've been sanding floors.  I thought I had the door shut.  Evidently not.  Spent some ten second tidy time getting it cleaned up before work.

My heart is on fire.  The keeper of the flame is too far away.  I thought half way across the country was doable but Mexico seem half the world away.  Skype is fine but you half to hold still and wifi can be sketchy.  Still, there is but one extinguisher for the flames that devour mi corazon.  And she is on vacation.  I will wait.